What I do not want is difficult to state; and what I want, is virtually impossible to state. We think we want something, we fight for it, we sacrifice for it, and at the end of the day when we get it we are not completely satisfied. When we get what we want, we realize that that is not exactly what we wanted. It is like wanting and getting a chocolate only to find that the expiry date has passed.
Most people say they know what they want (they might actually know) and even I thought I knew what I wanted. But when I got what I wanted, I realized that it was not it – there was something missing. The flavor that we had expected or the joy we thought it would bring was somehow not there. I was happy at achieving my goals, no doubt, but there was something missing. I had wanted to win the swimming championship at my club and after a lot of training I became the champion. I was beaming but not quite very satisfied. I wanted to top my school, I did, but I still was not quite happy. I wanted to be the centre of college life, the dude, I became the dude but did not like it. I want to be surrounded by people, I was surrounded by people, but then I did not like it and broke off. I so want to help people who are close to me, and yet when I try hard to do so, they get hurt. I wanted to fall in love and be the Romeo of the 21st century. I did fall in love but the other people could not or did not love me back; and the people who loved me, I did not love them back. Did it feel great to achieve my goals? No, it surely did not.
I have tried to reason why my disposition is so weird. Am I too fickle? I have not got too much evidence to that end. The only other possibility is that I am lured by the chase rather than the kill. The whole enjoyment and the wanting of something is driven by the excitement of achieving it rather than by the excitement of enjoying what I want after getting it. To put is crassly – I love to hunt and kill, but I do not enjoy eating the meat. Sounds awful doesn’t it? Well, it does sound cheap and awful but it is the truth. I cannot run away from it. But after all this, I still do not know what I want. I knew I did not want to do engineering but I did not know what I would do instead – English or History. I knew I did not want to go to JNU but I neither knew whether to go to DU. I believe I should get inspired by the saying, “Everything happens for a reason” that way I will not blame myself. But you guys tell me, do you know what you want? I seriously do not know what I want. Just going with the flow….
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